Illusion
I feel I am going nowhere.
Why am I doing this or that ?
Why am I going there or not going.
Why ?
My energy is floating and going somewhere.
My emotion is going inside and want to desapear.
I feel a lot of negative energy has been sitting inside of me.
It seems to feel comfortable there and happy to find me.
I am again taken by it.
Is it right to run away from it ?
Is there something I have to face………. so you came to see me ?
I don’t know.
There will be nowhere I can run away from it.
I feel all my happiness what I had felt is now fading away.
and
someday , I will think those happiness were just my illusion.
Blaming for a society
I am recruiting now, and it has been already for 3 months.
Am I lazy ? Am I not suitable for working ?
I got so many thought about myself and society.
I was very positive to find a job, since my mind was healthy, energetic, and full of confidence.
However now I feel different. I have started doubting myself ” Am I suitable for a society ? for a work ? “
Should I change myself to adjust a society ?
The first thing, I got hurt by getting rejection.
maybe people say ” Don’t think too serious. There are a lot of opportunity. Don’t give up other chance !”
Yeah…. I agree with it. Also I am not pessimistic about a job. It is just my natural feeling by rejection.
It hurts me. I feel pain. and I want to find a reason why. So I can find another chance better way. Also the reason will help me to be positive. However, it is hard to know why. Usually people go through this process a lot when they are recruiting. I don’t disagree with this process. I understand it.
The first step, I just want to mention my feeling ” pain ” by rejection.
The second, I was almost losing confidence.
I think some people don’t lose confidence, if they have strong mind. Also they know how to be positive about other opportunity. Until they can’t find positive future, they will not lose confidence.
I do lose confidence. I tend to look back my negative point. I tend to think about my fault.
I want to find my fault. or I believe in that there must be something I did wrong.
I would not doubt other people before looking back myself.
Yet, to stop doing this, I need to look other people well. What, How they do the things.
I need to clean my glasses to see the world clear.
So, it will not take my confidence away from me.
The third, I was blaming for the society that don’t look well inside of people’s ability.
I was angry about society. How can they judge people by only paper ? only short meeting ?
only gender, age, nationality…
Since I am blaming for the society, people will say it is sour grapes.
I became a stupid person in a society. People say to me ” work smart. “
I was thinking I might have been to the wrong direction. My age should be having kids, and be in a family.
Maybe what I have to do is not getting more skill, more experience for the job, it is to change my goal……..
This point, I lost my confidence and felt I am not eligible for a society to work.
But, now I wonder if the society is giving us a right answer.
Majority people’s answer is not always right answer.
We need to distinguish from universal idea and a majority idea.
I feel like fighting with a society, if I do what I believe in.
Even you know you are doing right,
You are not doing anything wrong,
maybe it could be very appreciated…
If people don’t show you appreciation…
If you feel ignored…
If you didn’t see how you expected the results…
It is very sad to see the negative results of what you have done, since what you did good and right was not appreciated.
There might be jealous, sadness, loneliness in the other person’s mind.
Those feeling might bother people to be honest and appreciate.
As we became older and older, we don’t want to face our jealousy, loneliness, sadness, and whatever makes you feel weak.
Weakness can’t be accepted when we are adult.
I am very sad about not being able to be honest.
If we can accept our sadness, loneliness, and jealous, it can help you to be stronger.
If we ignore it, it will just stay inside of you, and finally rot your precious heart.
When you hide it more and more, you will suffer, and you will even not be able to remember why, what, how, when….
you don’t want to touch your wound, right?
You even don’t want to know if you have wound or not.
If you find out that you have it, then you will be scared of going to see a doctor, or worst cast is that getting surgery.
no no no…
No more bad imagination….
You want to hide and ignore it, even don’t want to think about it……
let’s escape and endure the pain…
you will lie yourself with your pray ” Please don’t come to my mind again about this problem.”
I just want to forget about it, and finally it will disappear without any pain.
and I will put up with my pain instead of going to see a doctor.
So… I will give myself nice present, such as cloths, jewelry, car…whatever worth and expensive things, since I endure my pain…….
I need to do business to endure my pain…………………
Without any caring of your pain, how could you be happy?
Do you know what makes you so unhappy?
Where is it from?
Did you care of your pain every time?
How is your pain doing?
When you did right and what you believe in, maybe you won’t be understood.
However, even you put medicine to the wound and give much more pain,
people will understand it, in the end. and…. I hope it …….
I said the title ” I feel like fighting with a society, if I do what I believe in,” because when I see so many people have the opposite opinion of mine, I feel like I am wrong.
I feel like I should change my opinion and have the same opinion as they have.
If I say my opinion louder and am so proud of what I believe in, people will say I am outsider.
I am not having common sense.
You are a dreamer… and people laugh at me.
and I am the person who doesn’t know about the society.
Is that so?
if many people have same opinion, then is it the right opinion?
In Japan, in my small society, it is going like this.
If you do something different from others, you are a crazy strange weird person who should go away.
What do you think?
More or less, does it happen all over the world?
I don’t want to pass this kind of world to kids.
I don’t want to tell them to give up being happy.
Happiness doesn’t come with money, but caring heart.
Fighting for yourself and happiness.
Speak free and do what you think right for people.
I want to be strong enough to stand by myself.
Heart break
Do you feel pain?
I feel pain in a deep place.
Like you got a bomb in a dark and deep sky.
In a deep silent.
Even you don’t know what made you so sad.
When you open your heart, and you got a surprising bomb, what do you do?
I don’t know what to do with it.
No one expected it would be a big one.
It is a bomb. it was hided. Nobody wanted it.
But someone stepped it. It couldn’t be helped.
Who could avoid it?
Was it wrong that someone burried the bomb?
Was it wrong that we walked around there?
We should have tried to find a bomb and get rid of it before someone stepped on it…? right ???
or was it wrong that someone made a bomb?
When you are weak, was it your fault? because you are weak? because you don’t try to be strong ?
Weakness should be disappear ?
Weakness should be hated ?
You should hate your weakness?
Should we …….
When you reglet something, what do you do?
Because you are busy, you can’t think about it. And it should be forgotten?
and someday when you have already forgotten it, it will be solved without your notice?
Do you wait for that time?
Since we are busy, we don’t have enough time to think each issues.
Every day life is so important.
Everyday we get some anxiety and worry.
Never happen that we don’t have any problem.
Right?
So…. why are you worrying so much about small problem?
Why can’t you ignore it?
Why can’t you just forget about it?
You have so many things to do other than small and so personal problem.
Why can’t you appreciate it, instead of complaining?
Why am I so ingratitude?
energy
Positive energy.
Where is it from?
My energy is from my family and my friends.
Their beautiful smile and conversation.
Laughing.
Cooking
I love cooking.
Cooking and eating food make me happy.
No matter how much time I have spent for cooking, people’ smile let me forget my tiredness.
Eating with many people brings more fun and laugh.
I think cooking is one of the most beautiful love.
Food we eat is full of love, so we get energy.
We can sense the energy of love from food.
I love to eat. I love to see people eating. I love food.
If someone doesn’t eat your food even though you cook for him, how do you think of it?
Wasn’t my love enough?
Was he selfish?
Neither was wrong.
yet, it is too painful to see how he ignores my love.
I had fun and great time with Chicago friends and NY friends. Whoever eat food together, even if it is not delicious, we eat with complaining. The critiquing the food also could be a fun.
Why didn’t it happen here?
I don’t know how to find the answer.
Only I am feeling sad and pain.
I felt after cooking, I got back whipping on my back instead of seeing smile.
Did I fail my love?
What was wrong with me?
I have already told my friends that You can love people as much as you want.
Sometimes we can’t get back love from them, but we still can care and love them.
So, this is the situation to me that I have to go through this pain.
Like “Giving Tree”, can we love people until we become just a stump?
Welcome
Today I decided to write my journal here to share with my friends and future friends. I have been writing my blog at Mixi, which is Japanese social networking service. However, I felt it is limited, since it needs invitation to be a member and written in Japanese( my page). Also there is an issue about copy right. I hope here would be a better place.
I came back to Japan last Monday. I left U.S.A where I have lived for 5 years and my heart found the place to settle down, even though I wanted to stay and could have stayed longer. Why?
I missed Japan, my home. I felt it was time to go home…..
As my counselor said, there is a time to close chapter in a proper way.
It is not the last Good bye, however we have to go through it for moving on to the next chapter.
To open a new door will bring us an exciting world. Whichever positive or negative situation comes to us beyond the door is not big deal, but your excitement at the moment. When you are in front of the door, you get scared and worry about the future. However, once you decide to open it, you are full of energy and courage. Maybe confidence too. The confidence is like that you can take any responsibility for whatever comes after. The more you can give up being in a secure place, the more exciting the world becomes.
Sometimes a high expectation of yourself keeps you away from trying to open the door.
When You feel you look awkward on people’s eyes, you don’t try it.
However, I do want to listen to my voice. I want to challenge and see the new world.
That gives me an energy to live.
Whatever people think about me, I am the one who is on my side.
I like the word from my friend that is ” when you don’t know what you should do with your situation, you can ask to yourself if it is right to do it or not, because you already have the answer inside of yourself.”
why I love this word is that because if you have ears to listen to the inner voice, you can reach the right answer. Even though you will face your conflict, in a very deep place I believe that you will not be selfish. I feel happy if we can have hope to the human beings that basically people love each other and connected in a deep place. I want to believe in people.
